I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
