Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
