i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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