even my farts smell like vagina
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
