so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
