your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
