Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
