I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
