i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
