i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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