Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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