I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
