he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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