how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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