your thong is hanging out like whoa
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
