There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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