i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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