meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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