so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
