Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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