I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
