i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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