if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
