Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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