I cannot find my penis.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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