you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
