Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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