So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
