Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
