Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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