Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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