im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
