today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
