singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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