I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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