True but thats because hes a fetus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
