I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
