genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
