I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
