my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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