Someone shit on the floor
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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