I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
