even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I deserve this hangover.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
