So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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