i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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