Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
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Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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