Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
