I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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