WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
