I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
