And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
