My liver just broke up with me...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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