watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
