There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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