Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
