Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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