hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes