I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I need moral support for this bender
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
