He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
