Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
